Yesterday, I asked folks on Facebook how they deal with emotionally hard days at work, and I received far more responses than I expected. First, without revealing more than I can, an explanation of the question; then a reflection on the responses and my own rituals for dealing with emotionally challenging days at work.

I love my job for two primary reasons: I love the intellectual activity of both teaching and continually learning, and I love the relational aspect of being with students[1]. Relevant to this, though, is the latter part of my job, and in short, when my students are hurting, it hurts me. Teenagers get hurt in all kinds of ways, but with our demographic, it’s primarily psychological and emotional pain — which they will occassionally share with me. They come to me because I’m a Psychology teacher and they expect that I have some great insight which can help, and they come to me because I’m a Retreat Director for Kairos and they think I have some spiritual salve. In both cases, they are mistaken — and yet I’m honored that they trust me and have enough faith in my to come talk. The only thing I have to offer, as meager as it may seem, is time to really listen to them. I firmly believe that a burden shared is a burden lessoned — and if they can share their burden with me and feel better because of that, I’m only too happy to do that.

Unfortunately, that transfers some of their emotional pain to me, and then I have to find a way to deal with my own pain.

When I posted my question to Facebook, the vast majority of the responses indicate people deal with their emotionally challenging days at work by either drinking alcohol or with physical exercise[2]. Some of the outliers were finding solace in hugs, in crying, in food, in commiserating with others who understand, in meditation, or in doing something nice for others.

Personally, I deal with such emotionally painful experiences in three separate ways. In no particular order: I run, I watch specific movies, and I seek comfort from my wife.

This is bad: I understand why some people engage in self-harm; I get why some people cut. I sometimes feel so hurt “inside” — and yet there’s nothing wrong “outside.” Cutting gives a physical source for pain, which can justify the interior pain. I will opt for a run. It’s not the pain or physical damage that I’m after, but, one, the exhaustion, and, two, the alone time to think, to process the day’s experiences.

Second, I’ll watch some specific movies: either Black Hawk Down or Zulu. Both are action movies with lots of shooting, but that’s not why I watch them. I’m actually after something else in their storyline: the idea of a few against many, the idea of those few overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds, and the idea of brotherhood or commraderie. Those are the things I need to be reminded of, or feel, when things are going bad.

Third, a long hug from my wife, or, in the worst cases, laying on the couch with my head in her lap holds the ultimate restorative powers.

It’s not often that I’ll bring home such deep-seated emotional pain from work, but when I do, it cuts to my very soul. Some of the wounds from the past 16-years have still not healed, and likely never will; some kids have shared such hurt as will never really go away. But, by and large, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”